yanalysa

Friends, I find them hard to make, and harder to keep. I spend long hours lying awake at night worrying I've offended them, and crying my eyes when I know I have. In some ways its easier when I didn't have friends, they say to have loved and lost is better than never having felt love, I dunno about that. Love hurts.

Are friends the ones I drop everything for, from a fun weekend to one of hard work and facing my fears? The ones who answer the phone when I call them? The ones who might even ring me on occasions, just to chat rather than to ask me for a favour? The people I like to spend time with, who make me laugh? The people to whom I share my fears, my hopes my joys?

But what happens when it seems I am the one making all the effort? Or is that inevitable? So often I class people as my best friend I'll do anything for them... and yet to them I am merely an aquantience or worse still a nusiance. I rarely find out why people stop taking to me, and it just makes my depression worse, cause I know I must be hard to hang out with. I mean I wish I didn't have to hang out with me, never mind others... and so I often spare them the pain. I sit in front of that flickering box rather than embaress myself and them or rather than facing the possibilty of rejection. I had a date once... everyone tells me now he was a loser, and he probably was, but what choice does one have when no one asks you out? But then I'm not asking for people to ask me, I can't go out with anyone atm I have big dreams although I know they'll fail n all but at least I can try...

I'm sorry this is turning into a woe is me... I'm sorry I honestly just obeying the name of this website... livejournal. n typing its better than other possiblities a person could consider.
so before I lose more.. I'll go.

oh btw. I'm graduating this weekend. double degree... wish my friends could be there but understand that they can't.

Since the only person or people who read this totalling possibly 2 in number (if theres more I'd love to hear from you!) and they are on Dark Warriors I thought I might put up some battles I've had lately... (online game I'm in odd really but amusing!)


zuleka firesong vs. Tembo RaTokMage vs. Mage

1.	zuleka firesong attacks Tembo RaTok for 12 damage!	[43 left]
2.	zuleka firesong attacks Tembo RaTok for 8 damage!	[35 left]
3.	zuleka firesong attacks Tembo RaTok for 10 damage!	[25 left]
4.	zuleka firesong attacks Tembo RaTok for 14 damage!	[11 left]
5.	Tembo RaTok attacks zuleka firesong for 2 damage!	[68 left]
6.	zuleka firesong attacks Tembo RaTok for 10 damage!	[1 left]
7.	zuleka firesong attacks Tembo RaTok for 11 damage!	[DEAD]

zuleka firesong is the winner!
zuleka firesong has gained 27 EXP and 412 gold.
The Saints Empire has taxed 14 EXP, leaving zuleka firesong with 13 EXP.
The Saints Empire has taxed 41 gold, leaving zuleka firesong with 371 gold.
Your clan gained 13 CBR points for this kill.



zuleka firesong vs. illnessMage vs. Thief

1.	zuleka firesong attacks illness for 11 damage!	[69 left]
2.	zuleka firesong attacks illness for 9 damage!	[60 left]
3.	zuleka firesong attacks illness for 10 damage!	[50 left]
4.	zuleka firesong attacks illness for 12 damage!	[38 left]
5.	zuleka firesong attacks illness for 13 damage!	[25 left]
6.	zuleka firesong attacks illness for 25 damage! {Critical!}	[DEAD]

zuleka firesong is the winner!
zuleka firesong has gained 28 EXP and 394 gold.
The Saints Empire has taxed 14 EXP, leaving zuleka firesong with 14 EXP.
The Saints Empire has taxed 39 gold, leaving zuleka firesong with 355 gold.
Your clan gained 14 CBR points for this kill.

Mage vs. Swordsman

1.	zuleka firesong attacks realmknight for 5 damage!	[30 left]
2.	realmknight attacks zuleka firesong for 4 damage!	[81 left]
3.	zuleka firesong attacks realmknight for 6 damage!	[24 left]
4.	zuleka firesong attacks realmknight for 6 damage!	[18 left]
5.	realmknight attacks zuleka firesong for 4 damage!	[77 left]
6.	zuleka firesong attacks realmknight for 6 damage!	[12 left]
7.	realmknight attacks zuleka firesong for 4 damage!	[73 left]
8.	zuleka firesong attacks realmknight for 6 damage!	[6 left]
9.	zuleka firesong attacks realmknight for 6 damage!	[DEAD]

zuleka firesong is the winner!
zuleka firesong has gained 25 EXP and 2316 gold.
The Saints Empire has taxed 13 EXP, leaving zuleka firesong with 12 EXP.
The Saints Empire has taxed 232 gold, leaving zuleka firesong with 2084 gold.
Your clan gained 12 CBR points for this kill.

zuleka firesong vs. Nanobite

Mage vs. Thief

1.	zuleka firesong attacks Nanobite for 9 damage!	[26 left]
2.	zuleka firesong attacks Nanobite for 13 damage!	[13 left]
3.	zuleka firesong attacks Nanobite for 11 damage!	[2 left]
4.	Nanobite attacks zuleka firesong for 3 damage!	[70 left]
5.	zuleka firesong attacks Nanobite for 13 damage!	[DEAD]

zuleka firesong is the winner!
zuleka firesong has gained 28 EXP and 800 gold.
The Saints Empire has taxed 14 EXP, leaving zuleka firesong with 14 EXP.
The Saints Empire has taxed 80 gold, leaving zuleka firesong with 720 gold.
Your clan gained 14 CBR points for this kill.

Yes I am still around. Lots happened since last I posted. I took leave of my masters, got my wisdom teeth removed and haven't been well pretty much ever since. Played in a string quartet for a friends wedding. Lost my job due to leaving studies. And um... I think thats about all! been plotting planning and daydreaming about ideas that seem perfect one day and full of impossibilites the next. ah well thats life...

My doggy is getting hyperanxiety. Well he has it. finally put his head dow nand stopped panting, He is beneath my feet beneath the computer with his head resting on my filing box.  Until he got anxious and barked until I let him out the door.

As I look at the famous or great minds and pro in their field, so often they are introverts. From the Arts to Cooking the really great with time to think and slowly consider, to focus on one task and excell above the rest were so often introverts. They may have been viewed as aloof, stand-offish, Diva's with anxiety problems, They lived lonely lives and survived as they could cope with it. So if your introvert, and don't fit in, don't despair you might become world famous one day and show all those extroverts what you are really made of!

If you know a famous introvert, please post their names as a comment. There are so many I dare not start the list!

Health Plum Pudding

 

One cup of white flour, four cups bread crumbs, one pound seedless raisins (sultanas), one pound pudding raisins (stoned), quarter-pound mixed lemon peel, one cup sugar, the grated rind of one lemon, and the juice, four well-beaten eggs, and a little butter. Mix all these ingredients together, and use sufficient milk to make it very moist. Put the mixture into an oiled basin and boil for four hours or longer. The longer it boils the richer it will be. Serve with lemon sauce.

 

Lemon sauce

Heat to boiling a pint of water in which are two slices of lemon, and stir into one desertspoon of cornflour, which has already been made smooth with a little cold water. Cook four or five minutes, or until it thickens. Take the juice of one large lemon and mix it with half a cup of sugar. Add this to the cornflour mixture and allow the whole to boil up once, stirring constantly. Serve up in sauce bowl.

 

Herald of Health, Vol 3 No.12 (1 December, 1900) Sydney; 221.

When you get a great music teacher, keep them! It was an amazinf story that I got the violin teacher I have had for the past 13+ years. It occured when my parents randomly met another girl's parents in the shopping centre, I had gone through early childhood music with the other girl and now had finished and was torn between learning violin (all my life I wanted to learn violin) or guitar. Anyway this girl was starting lessons at the con and wanted to share lessons with someone else i.e. me. Her mother wanted another teacher but could only get lessons with Sylvia. I am SOOOOOO glad now that I didn't get the other teacher for she pushes her students through the grades double speed and I would not have coped with her style. Anyway after the first lesson the other girl quit and 13 years later I am still learning from the best violin teacher ever :)

The best things is not just the teaching of violin, its her encouraging presence through the heard years of life, school , HSC (she sent me a cute kitty card), Uni and now post uni blues. She encourages my to pursue other things like singing or my passions and she comes from an unbiased perspective (except pro music i guess but still she is really wise).

Anyway if I have kids, I think I'd name one Syliva... LOL 

Ever wondered what they ate in the "good old days" well now you can find out with this regular segment.

Mock Hare

Cook a pint of well-washed brown lentils (German) in a small quantity of boiling water. Let them boil rapidly for a quarter of an hour, then simmer until cooked. Add to the lentils when half done one medium-sized onion, well pushed down in the middle of the dish. Remove the onion when the lentils are tender, and rub them through a soup colander. Add sufficient boiling water to make three pints in all, and two breakfast cups of strained tomatoes, which have previously been cooked. Season with salt. Re-heat to boiling, and thicken the whole with two tablespoonfuls of brown and one of white flour, rubbed to a cream in a little cold water. Just before dishing up add a little drived sage and one tablespoonful of lemon juice.

 

Herald of Health, Vol 3 No.12 (1 December, 1900) Sydney; 220.

“We are surrounded by the beauty and majesty of his handiworks and I believe he wants to touch us all. I do not believe I am special in anyway- its just that I am having to learn to be patient and wait… Life is a symphony and we all have a part to play, or we can be just a spectator in the house. There is a grand maestro who conducts all those who are willing to acknowledge his existence.”

 

Ken Duncan.

Have not been on here awhile and quite a bit has happened and not happened.

 

I have a dreadfully expensive mouth full of problems. Three X-rays and a Cat scan later hopefully I’m diagnosed. At first the surgen said it was probably a mistake on the X-ray an “artefact,” now it is an actual serious problem in my mouth… the X-ray wasn’t wrong. And just when my singing is starting to pick up I was getting hopeful, a key part of singing will be knocked out of action and “crossing all fingers and toes” praying that is will not be permanently damaged by all the surgery I will have to undergo.

 

Anyway… always another hurdle, I loved the Ken Duncan quote I saw in his gallery afterward I got the X-ray man’s diagnosis. It was beneath a beautiful photo of gnarled old gum trees and an old explorers hut:

 

“whatever is going on in your life stand strong. You’ll make it. Character can be formed through adversity”

My title may seem odd, jut bare with me. I am housesitting about a cemetray, well technically a small strip of cow paddock seperates this yard from the white stoned grass. And no I am not speaking of the eeriness of it, but I did walk through it last night when the sun beat me home on my afternoon walk. Speaking of which I as usual stupidly decided to go for a walk just as the sun was deciding to set, it was pretty an orange glow and pink wispy afterthoughts. I headed down the path at a brisk pace after returning the dog to his back verandah after is 200m walk (it has athritist and a heart condition so cant walk far) so that I could do a proper walk. well down the road I go marching along more energetic than I'd been all day. Passing a few people, that awkward moment do I look up from the path or cows in the padock to greet or acknowldge their presence? sometimes I did only to get a smile from the husband but more of a frown from the mother concentrating on her children or the pram. Other times a blank look, I prefer walks alone, no traffic in my way or people to distract my thoughts unless I am walking with a friend not thats a whole different category... :) 

Well the descion where to go, swing bridge or boys walk, I want to go to both, decided earlier to go to swing bridge and althought I'm feeling tireder I decide to stick to my plan and go home via the bushy creek walk. So down through the empty college I go, thinking how soon I will be leaving this place, at last after 4 years. Thinking of the fun times with friends all gone, I didn't appreciate as much as I should.

walking down behind the factory to the bridge I see many cars and the procession of a picnic pack-up. I head back away from humanity and spend some time just contemplating thinking praying singing, not comign to any conclusions except appreciating the form of nature like the simple leaves lying dead and dying on the ground their forms and patterns and colours we just step over.

anyway it was getting late, thought I'd make it home before dark but didnt walking most of the way through the bush and a walk told not to walk alone on. but if I wait to go with someone the main question who? I'd never get anywhere. so i pray and walk on trying to relax and enjoy the intensified smells and sounds, stepping ever so softly i see a fox it sees me and stops just sits there until i pass, i listen  to the sounds enjoy the form the shadow of the leaves of the ferms overhanging the path, feel the stumps and roots beneath my feet. The damp the stillness once the sun sets it is so quiet. the cold damp air creeps in stronger than ever i fight the urge to be afraid but go through safety precautions just the same, eg run hide behind a bush, walk so silently that i could here someone comeing, the camoflauge techniques the army taught us at shcool. 

it is nice a change to do this, it is so dim if i look into the sky although now dark i am blinded to see the subtle path ahead of me, it seems so much longer at night. finally i reach a shortcut i think it is the right one, can only see a foot or two in front, i follow it in the hope that it is. sure enough i come out at the cementary chapel oh what a relief. i walk up through the cementary through the fence, cow paddock, fence and I'm home. light warm, relax.

but i wasnt afraid of the cemetary the white stones glowing so bright it seemed in the dark lawn.

 as i watched a funeral today there were so many people, they stood outside the chapel so full it was, cars everywhere in the carpark full up the road. a fancy red mini, ordinary cars, do i recognise that 4wd or that large lady over there? so many in black, how did they know the person? why are they there? what are their thoughts? and I wonder why it is at funerals that people finally admit they loved that person, at funerals that people come out of the woodworks to show that you mattered in their lives. why must i die for people to appreciate me? or for people to express it? as i long i ponder, how many cars would be at mine, i know not that many. what use, how many people have i touched in my life, or who just comes out of obligation or feel it might comfort the mourning.

think i should go to sleep now... enough profound thoughts for one night... oh oops its morning now sigh... have to work tomorrow too.

You've Already Found Love!

Whether you know it or not, you've already found love And this guy could be it, so hold on to him! And if you're single, start looking more carefully at your guy friends It could be anyone you already know, so keep an open mind.

lol!!! of course its my Prince charming... doggy! 

My last entry seemed a bit negative... so I thoguth I would supplement it with posistive things I expericned.

1. my voice: I view myself as a violinist. I have hardly sung whereas the others in the group have sung all their lives, been in similar groups and even teach singing to others. however I gained a bit of confidence that I can actaully sing and it sounds ok.
2. endurance: I didn't think I would last the entire time, my voice is temperamental, but amazingly I could sing until the end, in fact my voice was way better Saturday than friday. It feels strengthened and I have more confidence in it.
3. I overcame fears: singing front of people is still way scary, but I am learning to sing loud and confident that it is the right note cause usually it is. Also of people I've has really bad experinces down in Melbourne and staying with people, and I managed not to feak out too much!! phew!
4. I made some new friends and managed to overcome a little of my inferiority fear and social anxiety. Although I had to preserve energy for singing so unlike the others couldn't socialize until mid-night.
5. I worked out stuff more things I want and don't want to do, eg. I am still very allergic to schools and cannot tolerant bullying either of me or others!!! 
6. I'm not scared of flying I enjoy it!

I've forgotten the rest... better study... last ever assignment, by the end of the day it shoudl all be over!!! 

WOah what a weekend. 6 concerts in 2 days 4 in one day. flew down thursday got in at about 10pm, major Road rage for our welcome, with a guy who crawled in front of us for miles then yelled for ages out his window at us in front of wife and 3 little kids in back seat. we just calmly drove off. I quietly mentioned we should have sung "the lord bless you and keep you" to him.

well first concert in a school was major disastor, we turm up and no one seemed to be expecting us, oh did I mention breakfast at 7am each day? we wait around from 10.30 till 1pm and a volutary lunchtime concert few teachers even bother to turn up and no one disiplining children. we sang alwfyl I compeltely lost my voice and tryed not to burst into terrified pained tears as my head wacked heavily by a large wooden panel stragiht before concert started pounding mid way through a song in latin. disastor... no other word for it and we all knew it. then had a masterclass where we teach students how to sing. then rushed off to tea at 4.30pm (so early) before evening performance. where pews in church where as we found with most melbourne churches both plain wooden and topple over on the sloped floor so when we all stood up to sing the whole pew would topple over! well late night back oh maybe 10pm. and up next morning off at 7.40am to first church pratcise at 8am sang in church 9am-9.40 when we raced out of church after our last song straight out the dorr into bus and off to next church over an hour away. oh and was told i had to do childrens story there too... went ok, better than last time.

so off to second church for the day. lady introducing us knew nothing about who we were naming us the choir, leading to concerned elderly folk asking afterward, when I was at college there were over 60 or 80 people in choir and now you only have 8 left? um no correction choir and us are different..... she was so upper class too her accent I've never heard in real life only those of rich aristocracy. the church too was so steeply roofed, a waooden barracaged upper section with a full throne for the preachers seat. and after the sermon the poor pastor has to endure random questioning by the congregation, they could ask anything. seems useful but bores the brains out of those not interesting in the deep intricaes of the genocide and prophectic immations and types of Daniel etc. plus the worse thing the pastor has no time to prepare, and could be purposly pushed into a corner, taped and accused of theological heresy and lose their job... its been done before.

well anyway had lucnh there, then a concert in afternoon, it was an amazing church struturally reminded me of anglican churches in its grand scheme and aging but proud old faithfuls. and the accustics were great which is what counts, shame about out of tune baby grand. looks good, sounds less than good.

then rush off for 4th performace of the day about 2 hours away, finally the first church with padded pews as well as carpet, oh the wonderfulness of padded pews. we all well at least 1/2 of us collaposed onto the pews and lay there until we had to sounds check and before I knew it sing. energy majorly lacking struggling to keep up concentration and avoid gargling the lump in my throat. but I managed to sing, i was amazed my voice lasted!! 

plan was to celebrate and finally be rewarded by a movie, in all our teim we never got to do anything but perform and drive and warm up. but we all voted to just eat and then go to bed early. exhausted... sigh. flew out sunday, 40min plane delay. finally got to brouse some shops.... while waiting in the airport, the first and other non singing thing we did all trip. and now but to relality and I should do my last tutorial prepare it now... so bye :)

Just packing to go on a mini tour with the singing group I'm in. Its werid I dream about allthe wonderful things we'll do on tour with my best friend, but she isn't in this group, its kinda a promotional singing group for the uni I attend. not much organisation, we are leaving this avo flying out and still no itinery. I don't even want to go, its to melbourne with strangers, and brings back really bad memories... already I'm suffering anxity attacks and I'm still at home all safe.

One poor guy might be hospitalised this weekend daily we pray for a miracle, although I feel its rather selfsih, heal him GOd casue we need him, rather than we care about him... well we do, but I still htink its a bit convoluted...

at first we had to pack bedding, heaps extra weight and I needed to buy a new sleeping bag, as dad old one is so massive, it'd fill my entire new suitcase. which brings me to my suitcase its brand new a such a pretty blue, i just hope it done't get wrecked.

I have only flow once before to melbouren and back and wonder what i need to delcare as eg. liquid or possibly "dangerous" eg. lip balm or deodorant (its ok its roll on) .

we practed last night, I was so happy to have my voice back I sang too hard and lost it again. then the leader wasn't happy with me of course... sigh he's scary... wants me to have a lesson today but last time I had a lesson, I couldn't talk never mind sing for a week afterwards..... i can't blame him entirely though but he is trying to teach me a new technique to make my dark voice apparently brighter... all i can tell is I'm hoarse afterwards and red throat and it involves at lot of tight curlled up tongue action...

anyway what to pack.. sigh I wanted to buy some new things, in typical male fashion the director tells us or take everything, each option, all black, black and white, black and jeans... plus its cold down there, but will it be warmer in air con or not?? or heaters? I have blacks, but not whites... and all my pants don't fit me anymore theyre too big and fall off! winter stuff takes up so much room...

oh and this morning woken up with phone call whether I'd handed in application forms for minsitry... the question I've been dreading. and phew... she didn't ask questions when I said no....

ah well.... better eat breakfast, pack and meant to prepare a stupid talk or testimonial. right now I am not conformatble talking about my self. i read some talks I gave in my first yr at uni, so personally revealing i now know how to give the answers they want to hear rather than the entire truth... hmmm so thats what theos taught me to white lie... hmmmm??? 

anyhoos i must run................... then drive.........then run........ then ride...... then fly!!!!! the sing basically non stop, concert friday, 4 concerts saturday and fly back sunday....

tonight we were discussing the big questions around the dinner table, like what am I going to do when I finish my degree (in a few weeks!! ) will I apply for a job or do further study, or if I take a break what will I tell people to shut them up so they don't freak out and grumble. well we got to the point where parents insist I need a break time off, others wouldn't understand I'm sure. so we can tell them I'm studying... hmm music, "no life" mum says your studying life and your can do that on holidays, next thing philospy come up i nthe conversation and mum said philsophy.... I pushed chair into table with great emphasis and mum scaremed out "owwwwwwww" chair... so philosphy chair... think thats a name of a book, or its is philsophers stone... anyway my ephatic chair movement collided with mums knee and ended up in her seeing stars, laughing and in agony.... but nothing a little frozen peas and arnica can't fix....
The moral of the story, philsophy is dangerous around dinner tables...

if it wasn't for hope there wouldn't be a purpose for living,
with dreams no reason to get out of bed
without friends emptiness black and white

but with friends with dreams with hope,

I can survive another day,

and pray my dreams my firends my hopes will one day all splash together into a Kaleidoscope of joy!