yanalysa

I used to have one clear thing about my future, I wanted a job I would enjoy. Instead I have discovered this doesn't seem possible. and why is life worth living if 95% of it is not enjoyable?

I'm supposed to by studying, writing my proposal for a doctorate...

Instead Im surrounded by books, reading articles, and halfway between falling asleep and crying...

ever go the feeling that you woke up 10 years ahead and your still in the old house, old fashions, old technology and still in school while everyone is out traveling the world, or getting married, or working full time in some worthwhile job... while your still at home, single, pretty much unemployed, studying, and freaked out about losing your ID card, checking ur phone for messages every few hours, or minutes no still nothing.

I'll try not to run hide and cry... but I make no promises.

My Dream...
A place of my own, where I can still practice violin and singing.
A car.
A job so I can afford the above.

Looks like I will have to keep studying theology. It is the only course and only that they want me, too late for others. Also I would have to start from scratch, like anther BA or even certificate level. Whereas now I can go straight onto a masters which *cross fingers* can be converted in a PhD. Only one (or more) slight problem I'm "over" theology and sick of Avondale. I wish I could go do art or music something fun. But music well I am having lessons, and art well after those people told me I sucked... I am trying to work harder but given up on the pro idea...

You dream when you're younger. Rosy eyes, hopes dreams... then reality smacks you in the face. trying to lift up my head again... and ten more things fly in my face. I don't know what to do... its easier to go hide in a book of Anne of of green Gables... And yes I'm 23. :P

OK I'm tired, its been a busy day, I'm currently confused and losing options... I know I don't have good excuses, but hey.

The trains were so full today. Lately the trains to Sydney have been 8 carriages. Today it was four and full up within 3 stations. Leaving Sydney was worse, it was full before it left Central already people were sitting on steps and this was only 3.15 and it wasn't school kids. Well anyway, I end up next to an older man, ok he must be retired age who let me sit there (only seats left) "If i behaved" I think it was meant to be a joke. Anyway, another lady came and squeezed in front of him, you know the little one seater jammed near the stairs. Anyway ended up they all spoke about well bad stuff today, and man started saying how kids these days all messed up (ok he is an old guy so I'm paraphrasing). And anyway apparently according to him it is entirely the parents fault, the lady and I disagreed but no stopping the elderly, and then how they painted every second letterbox black on his street, I couldn't shut up "that all?" they stole ours 3 times and our sign. And then sayign about young people think they can stay on support the dole all their life.... I wish I thought of it at the time... I have like 10 people I know and friends me included all with university degrees even distinctions, all unemployed applying for jobs from teaching high school and primary, to childcare, to chaplaincy, pastors, music teachers, Real Estate accounting people... they are not dumb, stupid or sitting on their backsides but fortnightly apply for at least 10 jobs... all around the country they aren't fussy, even overseas applying and still nothing! And your telling me old man, they young people want to be on the dole? I'm living at home ...my ...from frustration just to avoid the Bloody dole!

And then there is Dark Warriors... I thought it said "wait 15 mins" NOT 3 1/2 hours?

No mum I'm not angry at you... its everything else.

I so wish I was a happy chirpy person. Been reading Kristin's biography, amazing I admire her so much now. But she is mostly so happy, I really admire that. I used to be happy too, one year I got "perpetual happiness award" and the year later... or 2 years later I could have got the "perpetual sadness award". Although it seems easy to be sad that happy , it doesn't mean I want to be like this. That I want thoughts to pop in my head at midnight to harm myself. That I want to be a worry wart. I try and get up and tell myself today I am going to start being happy, positive, not complain... I might had a high few days of happiness, then suddenly kaboom... its over, I'm in the depths of despair and don't know how to cope. I don't understand it. It is irrational. I've tried to talk to a couple of people, but seriously we don't want to freak out our family or wear out our friends. And Doctors... seriously I have given up on them, all they do is laugh and tell you nothing is wrong with you.... but what about these scars I point out... they don't even look but open the door for the next patient. It is so exhausting I have no energy, do get up and do something that I even want to. Or used to enjoy. Some days I feel fine, others not. Ok I'm bitter, ok I'm angry... doesn't mean I want to be this way.

I want to see the sunshine again... I just don't know how to move this damn cloud...

I was planing on becoming more positive, less depressive on this post. but months later and nothing written I figure its better to get it out of my system, and maybe someone will find comforting in knowing not everyone is perfect, like sucks not just for you but for others, and your not a dumb as you thought you were, there is someone dumber...

so for anyone who actually reads this...
apologies in advance.

Wow, tired and sore. I wondered why then remembered what I've done today. Firstly finished (well I'm a perfectionist so not quite finished) tidying up my study after what 18 years full time study!!! you can only imagine what it was like a small path to reach computer the dog even had to jump n hop to reach me! and now an expanse of open empty carpet... and 2 full wheely bins. The memories and all in that junk though, from notes of paper I wanted to strangle to fond memories, painful and studious.

then I decided to exercise so a quick 2 km's on the bike plus push ups and sit ups.

and trying to re set up my computer the internet via dial is enough to drain anyones energy.

continued with my transcribing of music.

oh and the highlight... a phone call from my best friend :D

so now I think I shall go to bed... nite nite all, lets hope I at least sleep tonight.

Yes I am still around. Lots happened since last I posted. I took leave of my masters, got my wisdom teeth removed and haven't been well pretty much ever since. Played in a string quartet for a friends wedding. Lost my job due to leaving studies. And um... I think thats about all! been plotting planning and daydreaming about ideas that seem perfect one day and full of impossibilites the next. ah well thats life...

My doggy is getting hyperanxiety. Well he has it. finally put his head dow nand stopped panting, He is beneath my feet beneath the computer with his head resting on my filing box.  Until he got anxious and barked until I let him out the door.

As I look at the famous or great minds and pro in their field, so often they are introverts. From the Arts to Cooking the really great with time to think and slowly consider, to focus on one task and excell above the rest were so often introverts. They may have been viewed as aloof, stand-offish, Diva's with anxiety problems, They lived lonely lives and survived as they could cope with it. So if your introvert, and don't fit in, don't despair you might become world famous one day and show all those extroverts what you are really made of!

If you know a famous introvert, please post their names as a comment. There are so many I dare not start the list!